This is the expired blog.

I just opened a new blog. It's still a blogger blog and it's called Adventures as a Kroll.

I'm going to delete this one as soon as my two followers get on over to the new one. Thanks for all of your support!

This is the last 3 weeks of being a McCook

What I mean is that I'm getting married is just over 3 weeks. Then I'll be a Kroll. I think it's interesting that my name is going to change. I also find it interesting that I'm going to spend the rest of my life with someone. The reason I use the word interesting is because it sounds better than scary or weird. I'm really excited to know that Ben and I are in this together, for the rest of our lives. Maybe it's because my parents are divorced or because I know a lot of people who are divorced. Or maybe it's because I'm worried he won't love me in 60 years. Either way, interesting is a better way of describing it. Don't you think?

As much as I know divorcees I also know lots of married folk - happily married folk. They are quick to tell us how great it is without leaving out the fact that it's work. I can see that. But it's also work to be single. I remember wondering who HE is, where HE is, when will HE show up. Well, HE is Ben and he showed up right when I expected - or wanted - it the least. (I had changed everything in my life just a few months before we started dating.) And I couldn't be happier with the results.

Ben is everything I thought he would be and way, way more. He makes me laugh when I need it and laughs at me when I need it too. He listens to me when I'm crying and makes suggestions on different things. He's patient and kind to everyone. And he has an amazing knack for picking out the best cards. I'm still trying to learn his secret. I had literally made a list of who I was looking for and after we were engaged I found it. The only thing that he didn't match up on is that he doesn't like video games, but he likes to hang out with me while I play them, so what more can a girl ask for?

As I type this I realize more and more how truly excited I am to become a Kroll. It's a new chapter in this book and I can't wait to see how it pans out...

This is My Monday.

I understand that some people work normal hours and get paid by normal people for doing normal work. I do not. When I did do that last, I wasn't very into it. I didn't like sitting at my normal desk or in normal rush hour traffic. Either way - This is My Monday.

I was just browsing through my Google Reader and stumbled upon the JK Wedding video again. I really love the whole thing and just thinking about it makes me tear up. I think it's a strange reaction to watching a precessional, but my wedding is in less than 5 weeks, so I get a little choked up by it.

I think I have the words to put on how it makes me feel. Those words came from Ali Edward's blog who saw it on Brene Brown's blog. I hope you're following this. Brene found the words I've been lacking to describe that video -

To choose joy over the fear and vulnerability of being different or weird or ridiculed is a tremendous act of courage - one that touches all of us.

What!?! Awesome, I know! It's amazing the inspiration that's out there when I'm looking for it or the feel goods that show up at the exact right moment.

My wedding is right around the corner. I mean scary soon and I'm having quite a few feelings every minute. I'm feeling excited, nervous, vulnerable, anxious, afraid, insanely happy, crazy in love with the Soon-to-Be Mr., stressed, worried, thrilled, and a bunch more feelings that I can't describe any better right now.

But I'll tell you what, I really want to live the way the Brene described. I want to continue to choose Joy over fear. I've done a decent job of that throughout the wedding planning process. I've continuously asked myself why I'm doing certain things and if I'm okay with it. The problem that I run into is that I want to make sure that people are happy. I want to present myself as "All together" and "I don't need anything, I'm fine". It's not that I need help, I don't know what anyone could even help me with, it's that I don't want to say that I'm scared or feeling overwhelmed. I don't like it when I've come up with a plan and it's messed with. I'm having a hard time with it today. There are a lot of people coming to the wedding. There are a lot of people looking to me for what to do next. That's fine, but it just scares me a little bit. I think all of this is reasonable.

It's just a matter of responding from a place of Joy. That I can do on this lovely afternoon. I can enjoy myself and all of the pressure that comes along with the wedding. The wedding will come off without a hitch (or at least a hitch that matters) and I will be married to the man of my dreams. Can't wait!

Happy Monday, by the way!

This is someone else's good idea

This website - Brideshare - is such a great idea. I joined and I'm hoping that something comes out of it for me for my wedding, but even if it doesn't it has potential to help another bride in the Atlanta area.

This is from someone else

Here is a blog post that I loved:

http://brandireynolds.blogspot.com/2009/06/mission-monday-doing-it-imperfectly.html

Maybe it'll do something for you. It's done a lot for me.

This is expansive

As previously discussed, I have a lot going on. I feel better about it today. I think writing helped and talking about it helped - it usually does for me. And now I'm in that slightly awkward stage between having a couple of residual feelings that may need to be talked out and talking myself into more feelings. I think I've actually talked myself into more feelings than I'd like to admit. Yeah, I've done it. Please refrain from judgement. Thank you.

Anyway, I'm really feeling the Google Reader: www.google.com/reader

I think it's a great idea. Unfortunately at this stage of my Google Reader user experience I am hyper-focused on making sure that I catch every amazing blog out there. This has actually led to a massive backfiring. Now I have a TON of great blogs all nicely stored on my Reader and not enough time to stay up to date with all of them, and of course, I'm still out there subscribing to new blogs every time I check in. It's crazy wild fun! And yes, I'm still talking about Reader.

So I'm very excited about how expansive this whole experience has been for me. I realize that I'm a little behind with the whole blog thing. My super cool sister has been into blogs forever. I'm a little slow sometimes and I'm hoping that she'll show me the road to Cool Town. Sometimes I feel like I'm on my way there only to find out that I actually passed it and now I'm in Lame Land. But I continue my personal search and I think that I'm getting a little closer every day.

(Side Note: I think the trick to being cool, if there is such a thing, is to be real. I think that people who let themselves BE themselves are the coolest. The problem I run into is that I think too much - I know that's shocking - but then I end up thinking myself out of cool and straight into that awkward fear place that no one wants to visit or live, but we've all been there in conversations, in clothing, in hair styles, in umbrella usage, etc. You know what I mean. For me relaxing and going with the small voice within is the ultimate trick to cool. If you know me I think you'll agree, if not f-off. Ha! Not kidding! But let me know when you're done being judgemental and weird. We'll be friends again and it'll rock!)

I really am enjoying the wide world of blogs and being able to seek out other people's ideas and thoughts about just about anything. I love that there are communities swaping gifts with the focus on the wrapping or that there are people out there focused on photography or organization of their homes.

I love the expansiveness and all inclusiveness that this brings up for me. I hope you feel that way too.

This is a lot.

I initially began with the title of "This is scary" and after a little research decided that the current title would work a little better for what I'm going for. You see, I've gotten scared quite a bit lately. It would be an understatement to say that I "have a lot going on". But I tend to be a little hard on myself when it comes to things like this and I don't like to talk about how much is going on or how much it's actually affecting me.

In reality, it's a lot. It's a lot to anyone on the planet. If I were someone else I would say it's a lot. Most people who know me well avoid discussion focused around how much is changing/happening in my life today because at some point in that talk I'll act like it's no big deal and change the subject. Usually I'll ask about them. That's a pretty clear sign that I'm not going to up the fact that I'm scared, frightened, over-whelmed, nervous, beating myself up, or being a perfectionist.

Nope not going to talk about it. Not now and not later. If you push me with it I may cry or I may get off of the phone quickly. It's a gamble that few take. Usually people back off as soon as I change the subject. Mr. Soon-to-Be has the guts to jump right on in. No fear. That's why I love him - he understands and encourages me. No fear.

I am not for the timid, that's for sure. I don't play nice always. I will say what I think. If not now, than later for sure. And you can bet your bippy that I'm waiting for the window to say what I think. If you were hoping for someone to not say what they think, sorry to disappoint. Most of my close friends like it. They know what I think and they know I'm weird and they like it.

Oh yeah. The point is that I'm engaged and the wedding is in 1 month and 22 days, I quit my office job to run my own company, my first bridal shower is this Saturday, and I'm looking at some of the fundamental ways that I see this planet and live on it. Each one of those would be a big deal all by itself. That much I know, but I guess I like the adventure of it because I'm doing it.

So I'm getting back around to the fact that today was a lot. And way more importantly it's OK. I don't have to be perfect, I don't have to have all of the answers, I don't have to have the most original or best wedding ever, I don't have to Like everything all of the time, I don't have to be super nice all of the time, I don't have to say the right thing all of the time either.

I have Ben's voice in my head telling me to relax and have fun, hugging me and telling me we're good, making me laugh, and reminding me why I'm marrying him.