This is a lot.

I initially began with the title of "This is scary" and after a little research decided that the current title would work a little better for what I'm going for. You see, I've gotten scared quite a bit lately. It would be an understatement to say that I "have a lot going on". But I tend to be a little hard on myself when it comes to things like this and I don't like to talk about how much is going on or how much it's actually affecting me.

In reality, it's a lot. It's a lot to anyone on the planet. If I were someone else I would say it's a lot. Most people who know me well avoid discussion focused around how much is changing/happening in my life today because at some point in that talk I'll act like it's no big deal and change the subject. Usually I'll ask about them. That's a pretty clear sign that I'm not going to up the fact that I'm scared, frightened, over-whelmed, nervous, beating myself up, or being a perfectionist.

Nope not going to talk about it. Not now and not later. If you push me with it I may cry or I may get off of the phone quickly. It's a gamble that few take. Usually people back off as soon as I change the subject. Mr. Soon-to-Be has the guts to jump right on in. No fear. That's why I love him - he understands and encourages me. No fear.

I am not for the timid, that's for sure. I don't play nice always. I will say what I think. If not now, than later for sure. And you can bet your bippy that I'm waiting for the window to say what I think. If you were hoping for someone to not say what they think, sorry to disappoint. Most of my close friends like it. They know what I think and they know I'm weird and they like it.

Oh yeah. The point is that I'm engaged and the wedding is in 1 month and 22 days, I quit my office job to run my own company, my first bridal shower is this Saturday, and I'm looking at some of the fundamental ways that I see this planet and live on it. Each one of those would be a big deal all by itself. That much I know, but I guess I like the adventure of it because I'm doing it.

So I'm getting back around to the fact that today was a lot. And way more importantly it's OK. I don't have to be perfect, I don't have to have all of the answers, I don't have to have the most original or best wedding ever, I don't have to Like everything all of the time, I don't have to be super nice all of the time, I don't have to say the right thing all of the time either.

I have Ben's voice in my head telling me to relax and have fun, hugging me and telling me we're good, making me laugh, and reminding me why I'm marrying him.